Woman to Woman

As I sit here at my desk , that I recently moved to face a window in my Queendom as oppose to the wall in my bedroom. I think of all the work I have to do. I am seeking a soulful freedom, a truth, my truth. Learning that I must first be true to me. I will often times go against what I feel inside to please someone else, especially my mother. I spend my week parenting my son and assisting my mother with her getting from place to place as her schedule dictates. So on the weekends I want my "me" time. I am not complaining , just having an honest moment with self. Today, I wanted to just sit here or to not be on anybody's schedule other than my own. My son is self contained for the most part and he seems to know when to leave me to my self. He is Pisces and I Virgo and we have some unspoken agreement that works for us. My mother on the other hand is on her own time , I thank God that she is a healthy 81 year young woman. Though she mothered 12 children , with three being deceased she has always called on me, I am not the oldest but number five out of the bunch. Her first daughter. The grooming for being able to carry the world on my back started as I was a small child . I had to be strong and I had to help as did my four brothers before me. Yet there was something different about being female, she was always to be responsible , she had to help with the other children as well as with the chores of the house. She had to do well at school and to be socially correct. She had to learn to be self sufficient and to be able to take care of herself. This girl learned her lesson well . I know she meant well and I went with the flow, but what I didn't know was that my childhood was being interrupted. I guess it's to late for that little girl and her childhood. As I stand here today as a woman I realize that my mother still sees that little girl . She infringes on my time constantly. She lives in a beautiful gated senior community , only about 10 t0 15 minutes from me and most of her other children but she still always calls on me. I am much more protective of my time and I give her what I can and I use to become irritated when I felt her pull. In spite of it I would let guilt take me away and off I would go running as the little girl should. My siblings have the luxury of living their lives as they please . I use to resent that , and didn't understand why they wouldn't help out with their mother too. Then I realized that mother and I taught them that they didn't have to. My soul has found some peace with my newly found concept of "gifting" and it does make tasking a whole lot easier. What I am also learning is to identify the gifts I have to share. Guilt is not one of them and that it's okay to say "no" to mother and spreading my self thin. My childhood is gone never to return but my womanhood is definitely mine. In my quest to be true to my soul I must stand firm and claim my life as my own. Today is my day and when my mother called with " do you feel like coming out? Can you come and take me to the Indian market , so i get some kind of snack" I said "no" and Mama I just want to stay in today and could please try Sheila? and as I ignored the guilt trip voice that she often displays ...I felt liberated! and my soul rejoiced because it knew that it would not have to feel that sickness inside that comes when we go against ourself to please someone else. I am not super woman , I am just me, my life is mine own, my time is my own,and I am my own. I know now that I do not owe my mother anything for birthing me and so "guilt" I set you free. The fifties were some trying times as I reflect as I also thank my mother for bringing me here. I honor her with the love of a mother but understand that i must set boundaries. I will forever be your daughter but as your personal servant I am free. As I write this I think of my son as I guide him into manhood, I am conscious to let him be free to be a child. Children are suppose to have a sense of wonder and imagination, to daydream as they go about their childhood things. I understand what my mother intended to do and she succeeded. I am strong and can handle anything, I am self sufficient and I thank her dearly. I just have to change our relationship to" woman to woman" and from" Mother and child". Maybe that was childhood for a little Black girl growing up in the fifties and sixties and I don't regret it. However as we grow within ourselves knowledge comes to us and I know that I didn't get to do much "kidding" around. I also know that someday I will have to visit with that little girl, I catch a glimpse of her from time to time. Soon she and I will talk. I Love My Mother and Thank her for the incredible woman that she is and though there will be change it is a process. As I continue to gift to her as she will me ,I will salvage some of that childhood and gift it to me.